I think there are very few people out there that are equipped to be single. By "equipped" I mean that these people would be perfectly content without being married and would feel no sense of incompleteness or longing. The rest of us want to be married, admit it or not, and that's just fine because that's the way our Creator intended it to be. If you haven't taken the big leap yet, you are either wanting to and are waiting, or you don't want to and are hoping that you can glean the fringe benefits of marriage without the commitment. For those in that latter group, I regret to inform you that things won't go well for you that way and that you'll just be creating wreckage in your life and in the lives of those with whom you connect. I'll call this latter group "marriage hackers", as they are trying to circumvent the author's designs and safeguards to get what they want without cost.
Those in the former group--the wanting-and-waiting group--will either end up waiting long enough and will find a nice, compatible spouse or will jump the gun and make a choice that will lead down a harder, more difficult road, not necessarily destined for failure, but far bumpier than necessary. I think the ultimate problems the gun-jumpers in the w&w group have will center around either impatience or a lack of due diligence.
Impatience is poisonous in everyday life, and when you're looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, you can't be swilling poison like it's a Dr. Pepper®. So you want to get married: are you willing to wait for the best, or will you be satisfied with simply good enough? The best is very seldom the first one through the door. Sometimes it can be, but more often it is not. In time, the "good" in "good enough" may fade and disappear, leaving you with just "enough". Waiting can be the hardest thing in the world when you want something badly, but we need to realize that not waiting seldom yields the best results, and waiting will only yield the best results if we exercise due diligence.
Due diligence is primarily a legal or business term which means that you properly investigate another business or person before signing a contract with that person. This in no way is meant to suggest that you hire a private investigator to delve into the lives of your marital prospects. That would probably communicate the wrong message and at best would be off-putting, if not thoroughly offensive and a deal-breaker. What I'm suggesting is that as you are getting to know one another, you are asking questions that will illuminate areas of conflict and compatibility. Of all things, this seems the biggest no-brainer, but many people think that just getting along in a dating relationship is all it takes to prove that a marriage will work. If it were only that simple...
You need to know about those areas you don't experience until you are married. This includes the big, more critical areas of a marriage relationship, such as faith, children, finances, and general expectations concerning the gender roles in married life. If you are extra-thrifty, will someone with a history of maxing out credit cards bring you happiness or grief? If a traditional wife-at-home marriage is what you want, do you think it's wise to consider that your girlfriend, a law student, is a good prospect? In some ways, opposites compliment each other and make a couple more well-rounded. In other ways, it creates conflict which can make a 25-to-Life sentence for murder seem like a bargain. Rejecting prospects with whom you differ greatly in the critical areas will ultimately prove wise. This being true, lingering in a pre-marital relationship where these differences exist seems counter-productive.
So if you find yourself in that conflict-ridden class of people--Those Not Yet Married Who Want to Be--please be content to wait for a decent prospect. They're out there, doing the same thing you're doing. You just have to be willing to wait long enough for your paths to cross. When you think your paths have crossed, make sure you're asking the right questions. It pays to know all of these things in advance. After all, 25-to-Life is a long time.
I'll leave you with this: advice I received in my pre-marital existence which proved to be good and solid. "God gives his best to those who leave the choice to Him." Ask Him, every day, to provide the person that He would have you marry, then be content to wait for that to happen. His choice for you won't be disappointing. Unfortunately, He doesn't work on our timetable, but the best is worth the wait.
Trust me.
Stay tuned for Part III: The Glue
Trust me.
Stay tuned for Part III: The Glue
Even though humans have an amazing plasticity for being socialized in2 whatever society wants, particularly at an early age, there are some people who do not have the emotional equipment for marriage or long-term committments, just as others simply cannot hold down a job because they dont have it in them. I dont know why we have been so slow to recognize this.I expect it's because the two prime directives in life as mandated by society are 1) get a woman and make little copies of yourself, and 2) submit to the inherent economic exploitation of a job.
ReplyDelete@desotoinquest - There are viable reasons for the Prime Directives: 1) Perpetuation of the Species - without this, you wouldn't be here; and 2) Provision - Who pays for your food? I don't consider myself exploited. I'm thankful for work.I think everyone has the capacity to both be married and hold down a job. The only obstacle to overcome is that overwhelming desire to cater to self-interest alone. And I did say "capacity", not "fortitude". Selfishness is definitely a weakness, not a strength.
ReplyDelete"God gives his best to those who leave the choice to Him." Ah. Like cool water on a hot day, is your blog among these other follies.I am loving this. Part II was wonderful. I read a post one of my (non-believer) friends wrote about the need for experiencing your partner sexually before marrying them; this made me so frustrated, due to its clear misunderstanding of the practical requirements of a marriage arrangement, or even what marriage is. I think more people need to look at marriage the way Asian cultures sometimes do: you look at qualifications, education, and other practical concerns. If those things are in place, and you are attracted, then you marry and learn to love that person and no one else.As for waiting for the right girl, I am a big fan of that idea, even more than I was before my recent dating experience. Your advice to ask God every day comes timely; I have always been bashful about asking God for a wife. I was always a little embarrassed to ask for that, for some reason. I figured that was an obvious thing that would arrive in time, that asking for her to come when she's not here yet is needless. But recently I have begun to simply ask Him, and I think your advice to do so is sound, because He seems pleased that I have finally just brought the request to him openly.Ha, I do trust you. You write with the authority of someone who knows what he is saying.
ReplyDelete@elgaberino - I can see how this would all seem pointless to the non-believing world. There is an entire universe of truth hidden from the view of most of the people in this world. Just like the Apostle Paul, I, too, do battle with the Old Man constantly. Without the restraints the Spirit provides, promiscuity seems pretty attractive, at least on the surface. Of course, the appearance is thoroughly deceptive. In practice, it is completely empty and unsatisfying. I remember the old Sears catalog where certain merchandise was labeled either "Sears Good", "Sears Better", or "Sears Best", with price directly related to quality. Whoever wants the best there is simply has to save longer to get it. If you are impatient and can't wait, you just have to settle for "Sears Good" or worse. I'm confident that there's something really great in store for you. Keep hanging in there...
ReplyDelete