A Treatise on Marriage: Part IV: The Secret Weapon

Whether on the inside or the outside, a thoughtful person contemplating marriage is drawn to consider what makes one last and what makes one crater. It would seem there are too few examples of the former and too many of the latter, so those marriages that last must possess some secret knowledge. I suppose it's true, yet I'm sure that it cannot be distilled into a few bullet points. Those that succeed would probably attribute their success to different things, and compiling a list of these things would be like compiling a list of political opinions or a list of people's ideas on religion. However, rather than leave you with nothing, I'll give you my list of what I think are the crucial elements--the secret weapon--that may just make yours last if you should ever choose to get hitched.

1. You must be able to love someone more than yourself. - Seems elementary, yet this is so often out of the reach of so many people. Everybody's looking out for #1. We're all out to get ours first, and then perhaps share some of what's left with our spouse. That will simply not do. It's often been said that marriage is a 50/50 arrangement. This will prove accurate only when you consider that the "50/50" part simply connotes the essential give-and-take aspect, not actual working percentages. Sometimes it's 60/40. Sometimes it's 80/20. Other times it is 100/0. When you find yourself in the losing side of that equation, will you be able to see the beneficial aspect of giving more than you are receiving or will you seek to put things in balance by withholding something? Withholding something from your spouse out of resentment is not only selfish: it's childish and immature, not to mention mean-spirited. A mutual acknowledgement must exist, whether spoken or understood, that giving more to support the relationship is beneficial to both parties, and that the giver today will be the receiver tomorrow. Being a selfish pig is never attractive, but being married and remaining a selfish pig is just about as ugly as it gets.
2. You must agree from the outset that you are committed to making it work, no matter how difficult it might be. - I think it is very, very important that a couple planning to become husband and wife must eliminate the option of divorce before the wedding takes place. This is the marital equivalent of Cortez burning his ships upon landing at Veracruz in 1519. Leave no out, no avenue through which a coward can retreat. This made Cortez and his men fight more fiercely, and any couple should fight just as fiercely for the survival of their marriage. It's one of the few things on this earth still worth fighting for. 
3. You must realize that romance and love are not the same thing. - Love is not a feeling. It is an act of the will--a choice. When the emotions that we perceive as love wane, we're left feeling as if we have "fallen out of love". This is a horribly stupid phrase. It makes love seem like an accident, not the purposeful choice of one person for another. When you learn to love your wife/husband unconditionally, then the romantic stuff will be genuine, not simply hormonally charged or self-indulgent. If you put the cart before the horse on this one by devoting your energies to the feelings of marriage and not the commitment, you'll find yourself empty-handed when the romance begins to ebb. When hard times come--and they most assuredly will--the commitment is what will sustain the marriage, not the feelings or emotions.
4. Find out what communicates love to your spouse, and speak that language fluently. - Gary Chapman in his book, "The Five Love Languages", states that we each have a love language--a way in which we express and interpret love. He also states that we usually are drawn to those who "speak" a different love language than our own. The question then is whether you learn their language or not, and whether they learn yours or not. What good does it do to express love to your spouse in a "language" they don't understand? Practically speaking, this is why you don't give your wife a cordless drill for her birthday or why you don't give your husband flowers for Valentine's Day. 
5. Learn to forgive and to ask for forgiveness. - This is a universal truth, not just one that relates to those who are married, so those of you not interested in marriage should pay attention, too. When you have wronged someone, that betrayal sets up an obstacle that you either have to remove or maneuver around. If you continue to maneuver around rather than remove obstacles, the day will come when there are too many to go around. Unforgiveness is to marriage what icebergs were to the Titanic. When you have wronged someone, go to that person immediately (if not sooner) and ask that person to forgive you. Be specific. Let them know that you are aware of what was wrong in what you did. Be timely. The sooner, the better. And very important: offer no excuses. Don't blame your wrong on something they did or said or anything else that has happened. Carry the blame yourself--all of it--because in all circumstances, you also could have chosen to not say or do the boneheaded thing. You should always be willing to extend forgiveness, too, especially if someone asks for it, but also if they do not. If you have been wronged, be willing to let that go for the sake of the relationship. Throw the grudge away. Don't put it in long term storage. "We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19) The same is true for forgiveness.

There you have it: the prescription for marital bliss. This is, at best, just some starter points. While not the perfect list of preventative maintenance points, it will be a good start and will be better than total ignorance. I hope that you, in the few short minutes it might take to read this, can glean what has taken me a quarter of a century to discover. If these ideas are things you've already though of and are willing to incorporate them into your married life, then  I'm sure you'll do just fine.
 

---

 

This will be the last in the series, because of both a lack of general interest and a lack of initiative on my part. After today, I will resume my shallow observations of those marginal things that concern me. The next post will discuss my new bass guitar.