A Treatise on Marriage: Part V: Living with a Loser

In spite of your best preparations, certainly in spite of your best intentions, even after prayerful consideration, you  will possibly get married only to find that you've married a loser. I don't mean you marry someone who gave all impressions of being a morally upright individual only to see them jump off into drunkenness, dissipation, lasciviousness and all manner of moral turpitude, all without a wink of regret. That is certainly to be pitied, but what I really mean is that after the leap, you find the person you married isn't what you want in a spouse and is, in fact, much less.

You assumed that maturity would come, but it doesn't. You assumed that they would overcome that specter of selfishness that hangs around us all in our early years, but they instead are the ones that are overcome. You may have even assumed that there should be an evenness between the two of you, with you and your spouse being pretty much neck-and-neck in the race toward perfection. You would have roughly the same amount of diminishing flaws, these fading more and more with the passage of time. Instead, you sprint ahead whilst they seem to lag at the block. You run; they sashay. You are a rocket of moral ascension; they, a spitwad.

You look at this dilemma with mounting frustration. You are committed to sticking with this marital cripple (remembering Part IV, Item 2), yet you perhaps entertain thoughts, wondering just what you have gotten yourself into. Perhaps you have even wondered if that fellow that has written "A Treatise on Marriage" knows what he's talking about. This is the Internet, after all. Fools publish every day, without restraint. Maybe in your darkest moments, you have thought you deserve better and might just be able to find something better, were the bonds severed in a morally acceptable way that didn't lead to prison time. Hopefully, after these dark moments, you didn't Google "poisons deadly undetectable".

Being married to a loser is a fairly common affair. See yourself as being a member of a noble brotherhood/sisterhood. See yourself as suffering for the sake of your own spiritual growth along with the countless others who have had those same dark thoughts and exited into the bright light of sensibility. Yes, there are losers everywhere, and many of them are married to someone like you. So exactly what is it that can bring you from darkness into light? Well, there is no panacea, but remember these few facts and it will hopefully attenuate your suffering to a tolerable level.

1.  They can't help that they are losers. - It's bound up in their natures. Their parents raised them as losers, teaching them all the tricks and secrets of being so thoroughly irritating and wrath-provoking. Such seemingly innate behavior is virtually impossible to untrain. The untraining process involves infinite patience on your part, the long-suffering spouse married to the loser. You will need to provide loving acceptance while the process works, often for years and years without seeing much in the way of discernable progress. Strive to be content in the process, knowing that somewhere between here and eternity, they will hopefully break free.
2. They cannot see how much better you are, therefore any contrasts or comparisons are lost. - In their own eyes, they are just fine, certainly no worse than you are. In fact, they may strangely think they are a better spouse for you than you are for them. How perverse! This being true, your living example of spousal perfection will be mostly ineffective in bringing about any change. This doesn't mean you should abandon your quest for perfection. After all, why should you lower your standards. 
3. There is a chance that you might experience Divine Intervention and they will regain moral consciousness. - We shouldn't be hopeless. The Almighty has, after all, done some pretty impressive things, and usually with a whole lot less to work with. Let you prayers be ceaseless, your hope continually buoyed by the idea that today--yes, Lord: today--just might be the day the light of realization shines in their dark soul and brings them to where they can love you as you deserved to be loved. 
4. But for God's grace, you could be the loser in this relationship. - What if the unthinkable were true? What if you were the loser and they were the one suffering? The only thing that kept this from happening is that God shed his grace on you, making you the perfect spouse, creating in you a superior conscience, and bringing you to the point where your moral authority would create the gulf you now lament. It's hard to see who the blessed one is here: the loser remaining in ignorance or the victim of said irreparable ignorance. 

There is so much more that could be said about your dilemma, but it is not my desire to pour too much of the salt of revelation into your open wounds. And with nothing left to add at this point, I leave you with one last command:

Print this off and give it to your spouse. It was written for them.

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Yes. It's true. The things we are thinking about them, they are thinking about us. We're both right. We're both losers, incapable of being the perfect spouse and unlikely to change, apart from that Divine Inoculation. Until that happens, I'll ask you this: if you love this person, or if you have ever loved them, don't give up that quest for perfection. Don't be content as the loser. Work with all your might to be the perfect spouse for them. Also, in thinking about your spouse as the loser, know that no amount of cajoling, ridiculing, fault-finding, snide commentary, or camouflaged/uncamoflaged loathing will bring about the change from loser to perfect spouse. The only thing that will bring about any chance of change is your own example of striving to be the perfect spouse. They will work to become the perfect spouse when they see you being the perfect spouse. Don't give up. Hang in there. You have only one failure to deal with. God has it tougher; everyone he deals with is a failure.

When Five Is Better Than Four

 
It's no secret to those who really know me that I love the bass guitar. It's a weird relationship, the one between the bass and I. If you've read my series, "The Bass and I", you already know most of the facts about this friendship.

In our relationship, I've gone between my primary guitar, "The Mexican" (now known as the "Largemouth Bass"), and others (a Fender American P-Bass and a Rickenbacker 4003). I've often found myself at the end of the E-string, wishing I had a little bit more. As a result, the 5-string bass became the object of my secret affections. I began longing, searching for the perfect 5-string.

Early on, I fell in love with the Music Man Bongo 5. This guitar had double humbucker pickups for great tonal flexibility and had a cool, unconventional look. There is a great story about the design of the Bongo, which you can read about here, if you should be interested. I played the Bongo 4 a few times at my favorite Try-It-Before-You-Buy-It store, Guitar Center. It was sweet, and when I got my hands on the 5-string version, it was sweeter. However, the looks of the Bongo ended up being sort of like that weird chick that you may find cool and attractive at first--even irresistible--but the weirdness of it all wears thin quickly and becomes an irritation instead. The looks of the Bongo simply proved too unconventional for my tastes. Also, the price was somewhat out of reach (it retails now for almost $1700). 

Soon thereafter, I transferred my affections to the Music Man Sting Ray 5-string. Around this same time, Ernie Ball released a Sting Ray 5 with double humbuckers (The standard at the time for the Sting Ray had been a single humbucker at the bridge). It was a pretty sweet looking guitar, and Ernie  Ball makes a quality product. It, too,  was a pretty pricey 5-string, coming in just under the Bongo or at around the same price. The Sting Ray is more traditional looking, yet is practically the same guitar as the Bongo, with practically the same electronics package, just a different, more classic look.

Of course, I'm neither spending money at this time, nor am I likely to have $1500 to drop on a guitar any time soon, so I'm just window shopping. I'm comparing guitars, deciding where I would spend my hard-earned bass money if I had it. I'm deciding what I would consider the perfect 5-string to be, at least the perfect one in my price range.

Somewhere along this time, I start reading about Lakland basses. Lakland (the first "a" is long--"LAKE-land") is a company in Chicago that makes only bass guitars. They have gained quite a reputation and are played by some of my favorite bass players, namely Adam Clayton (U2) and Tim Foreman (Switchfoot). I never saw a Lakland in a store, never laid my hands on one. I read review after review, all favorable, all singing the praises of Lakland basses. My favorites became the guitars in the 55-series, which are 5-string basses originally designed by Lakland, not copies of J- or P-type basses.

Lakland, like most guitar manufacturers, discovered that by taking certain portions of their production line and moving them overseas, they could produce a guitar that would be within the reach of a majority of bass players. This is their Skyline guitars, which are partially produced in Indonesia or Korea or somewhere, and final assembly or touch up is done in Chicago. Lakland's American-manufactured guitars approach a boutique-bass price of around $3500, which is out of the reach for all but the most deep-pocketed bass players. My bass-playing pockets are amongst the shallowest.

The more I read, the more I was drawn to Lakland basses, which I will admit is silly given that I had never seen one except as and amalgamation of pixels. Yet I found it hard to shake. As irrational as it may seem, the Lakland remained my favorite.

I have a good friend, Dale. I've mentioned Dale before. Within the last few years, Dale has made two trips to the Philippines, what I would term as "personal mission trips". He has not been affiliated with any mission group. He has simply gone to Manila, lived there for up to 5 months, and plugged in wherever he could to help with whatever needs he found himself qualified to meet. On the first trip, he attempted to help with some medical needs of people affiliated with a church there. That wasn't as successful as he had hoped. Too many hurdles and roadblocks. His second trip followed a typhoon that flooded parts of Manila and created a lot of hardship for poorer folks that lived along the rivers there. Most of these folks are squatters, living in shacks piled almost one on top of another. He affiliated himself with a Filipino pastor working in the Manila area and began helping these people to rebuild by providing materials for their new "homes". He could buy enough materials for $200 USD to build one of these shelters. I don't recall just how many he helped to build, but it was a few.

I was Dale's stateside facilitator. What this means is that I managed his affairs back home, paying his bills, sending him money as he had need, etc.. I was able to maintain sporadic e-mail contact with him while he was in the Philippines and to help him manage his activities there by offering my counsel as the need would arise. The most recent trip was only about 3 months.

Lest you think that Dale and Lakland are two different stories, I will now tie the two together. When Dale has returned from his trips abroad, he has traditionally given me a gift to show his appreciation for helping him out with his stateside affairs. He has been told repeatedly that it is not necessary, but he is both a generous friend and a hard-headed one. In the past, his gifts have allowed me to purchase equipment I would normally not have since most of my money is usually earmarked for silly things like electricity and food. I have tried to spend his money on things we can both enjoy. The last time, I bought a recording interface and a vocal mic.

Dale got back from his most recent trip at the end of February. There were some issues upon his arrival back home that were rather dramatic. I will discreetly not address these to protect the privacy of all parties involved. Let it be sufficient to say that he spent his first three days back in America at my house. For the first 48 hours, he slept almost non-stop on a cot in the boy's room. He began stirring during daylight hours after that, and shortly thereafter left us for his normal living arrangement.

A day or two after he had left my house, we were planning to get back into the swing of playing and recording some things. I had a Saturday off, and he was to come over. We would most likely be starting a new project, nothing of significance most likely, but something different. He texts me on Friday afternoon, asking if he can come over Friday evening for, as he put it, "no more than an hour." I said, "Sure."

Friday evening, he walks in the door with a guitar case sporting a big red bow. "Merry Christmas," he says. Inside the case was a Lakland 55-01 (the guitar shown here). It was beautiful. It felt fabulous, probably the nicest tactile experience I've had that didn't involve human flesh. It played beautifully, having a phenomenal action for a 5-string, or a 4-string for that matter. I plugged it in and it sounded great, too. All things considered, the Lakland was everything I had thought one would be and everything I had hoped one would be. It was, indeed, a dream come true, and a dream come true that was now mine.

I told Dale that he had not been above suspicion in planning this surprise. The last day he was at my house, he spent some time on the Internet, looking at guitars and asking me questions about Laklands and other basses. He asked me which one I liked most. I told him black with a maple fingerboard. My new 55-01 was black with a maple fingerboard. I told my wife of my suspicions. I had a feeling he was up to something.

I think he may have enjoyed giving this almost as much as I enjoyed getting it. What a great gift! It's been two weeks now that I've had the Lakland and I have still not found a single thing about it that I do not like. I think it is safe to say that I am now a dedicated fan and supporter (and owner) of Lakland bass guitars. Sorry, Fender. You'll still be my choice for four-strings, but for five, I'm going to Chicago.
     

A Treatise on Marriage: Part IV: The Secret Weapon

Whether on the inside or the outside, a thoughtful person contemplating marriage is drawn to consider what makes one last and what makes one crater. It would seem there are too few examples of the former and too many of the latter, so those marriages that last must possess some secret knowledge. I suppose it's true, yet I'm sure that it cannot be distilled into a few bullet points. Those that succeed would probably attribute their success to different things, and compiling a list of these things would be like compiling a list of political opinions or a list of people's ideas on religion. However, rather than leave you with nothing, I'll give you my list of what I think are the crucial elements--the secret weapon--that may just make yours last if you should ever choose to get hitched.

1. You must be able to love someone more than yourself. - Seems elementary, yet this is so often out of the reach of so many people. Everybody's looking out for #1. We're all out to get ours first, and then perhaps share some of what's left with our spouse. That will simply not do. It's often been said that marriage is a 50/50 arrangement. This will prove accurate only when you consider that the "50/50" part simply connotes the essential give-and-take aspect, not actual working percentages. Sometimes it's 60/40. Sometimes it's 80/20. Other times it is 100/0. When you find yourself in the losing side of that equation, will you be able to see the beneficial aspect of giving more than you are receiving or will you seek to put things in balance by withholding something? Withholding something from your spouse out of resentment is not only selfish: it's childish and immature, not to mention mean-spirited. A mutual acknowledgement must exist, whether spoken or understood, that giving more to support the relationship is beneficial to both parties, and that the giver today will be the receiver tomorrow. Being a selfish pig is never attractive, but being married and remaining a selfish pig is just about as ugly as it gets.
2. You must agree from the outset that you are committed to making it work, no matter how difficult it might be. - I think it is very, very important that a couple planning to become husband and wife must eliminate the option of divorce before the wedding takes place. This is the marital equivalent of Cortez burning his ships upon landing at Veracruz in 1519. Leave no out, no avenue through which a coward can retreat. This made Cortez and his men fight more fiercely, and any couple should fight just as fiercely for the survival of their marriage. It's one of the few things on this earth still worth fighting for. 
3. You must realize that romance and love are not the same thing. - Love is not a feeling. It is an act of the will--a choice. When the emotions that we perceive as love wane, we're left feeling as if we have "fallen out of love". This is a horribly stupid phrase. It makes love seem like an accident, not the purposeful choice of one person for another. When you learn to love your wife/husband unconditionally, then the romantic stuff will be genuine, not simply hormonally charged or self-indulgent. If you put the cart before the horse on this one by devoting your energies to the feelings of marriage and not the commitment, you'll find yourself empty-handed when the romance begins to ebb. When hard times come--and they most assuredly will--the commitment is what will sustain the marriage, not the feelings or emotions.
4. Find out what communicates love to your spouse, and speak that language fluently. - Gary Chapman in his book, "The Five Love Languages", states that we each have a love language--a way in which we express and interpret love. He also states that we usually are drawn to those who "speak" a different love language than our own. The question then is whether you learn their language or not, and whether they learn yours or not. What good does it do to express love to your spouse in a "language" they don't understand? Practically speaking, this is why you don't give your wife a cordless drill for her birthday or why you don't give your husband flowers for Valentine's Day. 
5. Learn to forgive and to ask for forgiveness. - This is a universal truth, not just one that relates to those who are married, so those of you not interested in marriage should pay attention, too. When you have wronged someone, that betrayal sets up an obstacle that you either have to remove or maneuver around. If you continue to maneuver around rather than remove obstacles, the day will come when there are too many to go around. Unforgiveness is to marriage what icebergs were to the Titanic. When you have wronged someone, go to that person immediately (if not sooner) and ask that person to forgive you. Be specific. Let them know that you are aware of what was wrong in what you did. Be timely. The sooner, the better. And very important: offer no excuses. Don't blame your wrong on something they did or said or anything else that has happened. Carry the blame yourself--all of it--because in all circumstances, you also could have chosen to not say or do the boneheaded thing. You should always be willing to extend forgiveness, too, especially if someone asks for it, but also if they do not. If you have been wronged, be willing to let that go for the sake of the relationship. Throw the grudge away. Don't put it in long term storage. "We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19) The same is true for forgiveness.

There you have it: the prescription for marital bliss. This is, at best, just some starter points. While not the perfect list of preventative maintenance points, it will be a good start and will be better than total ignorance. I hope that you, in the few short minutes it might take to read this, can glean what has taken me a quarter of a century to discover. If these ideas are things you've already though of and are willing to incorporate them into your married life, then  I'm sure you'll do just fine.
 

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This will be the last in the series, because of both a lack of general interest and a lack of initiative on my part. After today, I will resume my shallow observations of those marginal things that concern me. The next post will discuss my new bass guitar.

A Treatise on Marriage: Part III: The Glue

No realistic discussion of marriage can be considered complete without talk of sex, one way or another. It is a big part of marriage. I've often seen it as the glue that holds things together. Some females may disagree, seeing it instead as a more caustic and irritating chemical than glue, perhaps like a mild acid. It's not acid. It is glue. The sooner you realize this, the better off things will be. Later on, when you're 70 and have been married almost 50 years, you won't need the glue and it'll be alright to go to bed in your flannel nightgown and tube socks. But until then, remember: it's the glue, and the better the quality of the glue, the better things stick together.

Male marriage hackers have employed many underhanded and deceptive schemes to secure this one aspect of   married life. Some female hackers have, too, but more often they are guilty at a 2nd degree level of aiding and abetting. I find it sad seeing so many people involved in marriage hacking. The benefits of a hacking are transient, leaving you hungrier after than before, and it creates wounds that may heal, but they always leave behind a scar.

The Creator designed sex, not only for the obvious--procreation--but also made it a process that can be enjoyable for both husband and wife. I say "husband and wife" purposely and with intent. That is the only really acceptable context for sex. Unmarried couples have no business dipping into this experience well. I know this opinion will meet with a great deal of disagreement, and that's OK. Most of the people who will disagree really aren't concerned with pleasing their Creator or living their lives in submission to His rules and regs. But frankly, the topic is not open for debate. The Rule Book is very clear in its prohibition of premarital sex, so dabble at it before marriage at your own risk.

The Dark Lord has also exploited the sexual drive for his nefarious purposes. He has convinced us that we cannot wait--we need it now, and there's no sense in waiting for some puritanical arrangement to be made in order to indulge. Marriage hackers try and convince themselves that it is a purely biological function and there is no harm in it. I realize we live in a nation--yea, even a world--of people for whom the notion of self-control is as unreal as transmutation or teleportation. Deferring gratification on this front until we have undergone the antiquated rite of marriage seems to some absurd, to others merely a remnant of an unenlightened age bound in confining legalism.

Truthfully, I don't expect secular people to give this notion a second glance. I expect life to go on as it is for most people. Those who desire a healthy relationship with a husband or wife may have it, given that they accept the limitations and parameters that the author has set up. There is a lot more than the sexual part of being married, yet when you are married, the thing that makes sex so great is knowing that this other person is with you because they love you more than anyone else on the planet. If that isn't present, or if it isn't solidified with a formal commitment, then what's it worth? It's like a Rolex made in China. The function may or may not be there, but it has no real value.