On Raising Children - Part III - Nuts and Bolts

 

One thing you learn as you compare your child rearing ideas with others is just how unique these ideas and the methods used to employ them are. Given the difference in all this, everyone is an expert if only in the realm of their own experience. What you must force yourself to examine is not all the talk or all the neat sounding ideas, but the fruit of the parents labors. All the talk and all the high-minded notions are worthless in parenting if they don’t produce the goods. In this case, I consider “the goods” to be well-adjusted, well-mannered children, ready for inclusion in the human race. I have seen many, many, many parents who talk a good game but just don’t deliver at the plate. Matthew 7:17 says that “...every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.” This applies as well in judging parenting methods: look for the fruit.

Before you ever have your first child, you should have made certain decisions about how that child will be trained and taught. The training of a child is work--hard work. It requires a firm hand that will consistently enforce the rules of the house that have been set in place to bring about this predetermined training and teaching. Establishing and maintaining these standards will require the use of force.

I once worked for a private security company, protecting the assets and lives of a wealthy family. Every work day, before our shift would begin. we would discuss certain things in a roll call meeting. Some were specific, relating to this particular company’s activities. Others were general, relating more to security and law enforcement topics. One day a supervisor presented information on what he called the Ladder of Force. This demonstrated how the use of force follows a progression beginning with the physical presence of the officer and ending with deadly force. The general idea was that a proper response worked upward on the ladder using only as much force as any situation dictated, but escalating the use of force as necessary to gain the compliance of the adversary. With children, you don’t really have a good guy/bad guy situation, although at times it seems to be just that. You are training, guiding, and educating this child on how they should behave. You are creating structure where there is none. You are creating order from chaos. In order to accomplish this effectively, you must sometimes ascend the Ladder of Force. Be prepared to use your muscle to make it happen. Corporal punishment is the best way to speak to younger children who don’t yet have the ability to reason. There is no other path.

You should completely disregard those who say that spanking teaches a child violence. That is foolishness, steeped in ignorance. A child that is allowed to defy authority has a heart that is filled with violence. It has never been necessary to be taught violence. It is the fruit of human nature when it is allowed to ferment without constraint. The purpose of discipline is neither to violate, to damage, nor to abuse. It is to enforce compliance to a standard.

So, preparing to be a parent, whether actively or academically, should involve deciding how you want your child to behave and determining and applying methods to make that happen. It is a wrong-headed notion that children have all this goodness inside of them and if we just let them grow up unfettered, they will turn out just fine. (When I say “wrong-headed”, you can assume I’m also saying, stupid, idiotic, naive or moronic.)  I would suggest getting over these free-thinking notions, getting ready to work at parenting, and getting a plan drawn up which will help you to attain your goal.

Here's my starter list. Though not perfect, this is a good list to start with because each of these items focus on character traits that the entirety of humanity would benefit from modeling. Realizing that values differ from person to person, I can’t offer a list that would be perfectly suitable for everyone, but I’m going to offer a few things I’ve tried to teach my children.  If you’re wondering about the “tried to” caveat, go back to Part II and read the first paragraph about the boiling cauldron. I wish the things in this list were universally accepted as essential. Perhaps when the masses read this treatise, the trend will begin moving that way.

1. Telling the Truth. - Lying is one of the biggest impediments to parenting.  In many situations, you need to know the truth, but there is no way of divining it aside from their confession, and somewhere along the way, your cute little child has become a lying, deceitful little bugger. Early on, you need to establish this beachhead of truthfulness. Many of your other efforts will hinge on this, so don’t discount its importance. The most difficult aspect of this will be having your children be truthful while upholding the consequences for certain actions. Self-preservation will drive a child to lie like a senator under oath. Casting the moral importance for truthfulness in spite of consequences is important. Psalm 15, in describing the upright man, says that he “swears to his own hurt and does not change.” This idea of doing the right thing even if it hurts may be foreign to some folks, but remains an essential hallmark for decent humanity.


2. Making Amends. - You don’t have to be a recovering drunk, slogging your way through the 12 steps, to reap the benefits of making amends. When you have wronged someone, whether by deed or word, then you should make that right, repairing the situation through a sincere mea culpa. “I am sorry” means nothing except that you regret something has happened. It doesn’t establish your guilt and show you have accepted responsibility. “Please forgive me” is more appropos. Accepting responsibility for our actions means that these actions are dealt with by the parties directly involved. If your actions have caused loss of a material nature, then it is necessary to offer restitution. We should all strive to keep a clear conscience. If we deal with situations where we have wronged others, then there will be nothing hidden--no skeletons in that proverbial closet for others to drag out to haunt us. This lesson is very hard to learn as an adult and is better learned as a child.


3. Respect for Others - Many of these ideas could be sub-classified under this one, but it warrants mention on its own. Having a basic respect for others is why people are courteous. It is why they aren’t rude or self-serving. I heard one man refer to this as remembering the preciousness of others. Everyone you meet was fashioned by the hands of the same Creator. This gives them value. Humility and deference is one of the most noble, most sincerely good attributes we can display. It exemplifies the antithesis of the all-too-common selfish nature that runs rampant in humanity. By showing respect for others, you are showing yourself and these others that you have risen above your baser nature. You are showing them that they are important, and they are seeing by your behavior that you are as well. I could go on about this one forever, but this will do for now.


4. Respect for Authority - This notion has been undermined since the late ‘60s, but needs to see a resurgence. Fixing this in the minds of your children requires a respect for you as the parent first. You are their first and foremost authority, and you must command and demand their respect, yet respect must be earned, so strive to deserve it. If they don’t respect you, they will probably not respect other authorities either. Since we, now and forever, live under authority of one kind or another, willingly subjecting ourselves to this is an act of self-preservation. This also means we respect authority even if we don’t respect the person in that position. Authority is established by God, too (Romans 13:1-7), and those in authority will be held accountable for how they handled that responsibility.


5. Self-Control - Maintaining a controlling grip on the beast that resides in each of us is a tall order. If we can simply not allow that beast to run amok, that is good, but if we can harness our desires and make them subject to what we know is their proper use, we will have accomplished a great feat and will save ourselves from a lifetime of woe, pain and regrets. We must learn to say “no” to our darker sides. We must also learn to control our tongue. This not only means not saying the wrong thing, but talking too much in general (Proverbs 10:19). Self-control in all areas of our lives is important. One way I try to exercise this is by saying “no” to things that really don’t matter that much. If I want to stop on the way home and get myself a fizzy beverage, this really doesn’t matter, morally speaking, yet by saying “no” to that simple desire, I have established control of my desire. It doesn’t control me. If you can do it at this level, you can move up the Ladder of Control, establishing self-control at progressively higher levels. Teach your kids the meaning of “no”. Teach them the meaning of “not now.” Teach them that throwing a fit in response to either of these is totally and completely unacceptable.
   


6. A Healthy Work Ethic - Work, like authority, cannot be escaped. We all are called to work in different ways for different reasons. Helping your children to see the value in working and working hard will make them useful to you, to their families, to their employer, and to society as a whole. Laziness is a cancer that must be excised, medicated, radiated and obliterated at all costs. This is supported by biblical teaching: “If a man will not work, he shall not eat.” (2 Thessalonians 3:10). Give your children responsibility early on in their lives and make them progressively responsible for more things and more important things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a child helping out with the work around the house. Teach them to do things, to do them correctly, and to do them with a good attitude. Teach your kids this and they will sing your praises when they are older and the fruits of their responsibility have ripened.

There are many, many other things that could be on this list, but this is a good start. If our kids can grasp these things, they will be well on their way to acceptable adulthood. You may also be able to forgo that locking-them-in-the-basement thing.

I'll leave you with this, a method for raising teenagers. I heard it from Chuck Swindoll, who was apparently quoting Mark Twain. He said that when your child turns thirteen, you should lock them in a barrel and feed them through the hole. When they turn sixteen, stop up the hole.