I'm a perfectionist. Not an obsessive/compulsive one, but a perfectionist none the less.Those of us that are perfectionists should know the pitfalls of being this way. We are, after all, surrounded by people who aren't concerned with perfection or even doing their best, and there's nothing we can do about it. However, the worst part about being a perfectionist is that I never do anything perfectly. I am plagued, tormented and haunted by things I've done imperfectly. Decisions I've made that were severely flawed, things I've made that show gross imperfection, and interactions with people that have gone horribly awry: these are the ghosts that swirl around me, trying to get my attention and trying to scare me with their noise.
Thankfully, I'm not afraid of ghosts. They are annoying though and they do succeed in distracting my focus away from where it should be.
Right now, I'm second-guessing a decision I made some 13 years ago. It was a career choice I made in a vacuum of alternatives, which made it seem right at the time. There was not much else to consider at the time, option-wise. Also, the job has done an adequate job of providing for my family for these 13 years, so I suppose it's not a total loss. However, the present has me wondering if this was a good decision for the long run.
I'm tending to believe it is not. I'm thinking it may be time to change course. Best case scenario is that my career of the last 13 years was a good choice at the time, yet I'm at the end of that path and find myself at a fork. Turn left and stay here. Turn right and move into uncharted territory. I can see further down the road to the left. I feel like I know where it's going, and that's what makes me want to turn right. The path to the right is wholly unknown, yet it draws me. I feel that I'm an explorer at heart, and this heart is telling me, "Turn right!".
This troubles me because I'm also looking at the glass as half-empty. I'm thinking about how much of a waste it was. I'm wondering why I didn't do something else 13 years ago--something I might enjoy and be challenged by thirteen or twenty or thirty years later.
I've also discovered that perfectionists have to be careful with their children. There is a tendency to be controlling and to try and mold your children's outcomes to resemble what your outcomes would have been. This is a difficult line to follow. You don't know when your being a helpful teacher or a micro-manager. When you wait for them to ask for help, are you being insensitive or uncaring? Who knows how many times I've erred by omission or co-mission on this one.
Its usually a good idea to temper your perfectionism with reality. Do your best. When your best falls short, know it was your best and move on. Give others the grace to do the same or to disregard perfection altogether.
Perfectionism is a frustrating existence. Yet I want to be right here where I am, aware of my shortcomings and failures. The people I worry about aren't the failures. They at least tried something that led to failure. The ones that trouble me the most are those who don't care about doing their best and who are comfortable in their failure, not seeing anything amiss in falling short so consistently. As a perfectionist, I know I'm not perfect, but I am confident that I do some things right some of the time.
I can live with that.
